I'm friends with the moon, we have a gravitational pull.

I've decided to sell my vacuum, it was just gathering dust.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner child, she's now coloring on the walls.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? The 'P' is silent!

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu - you get what you deserve!

I renamed my iPod The Titanic so when I plug it in, it says, 'The Titanic is syncing.'

I asked my computer for a pun, but it couldn't process.

I am so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I own a pencil that used to be really sharp, but now it's pointless.

I always wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I have a fear of overdosing on sugar. It's called diabetes.

I asked my wife to let me know when she reached the halfway point of her book. She called me yesterday.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I wear hearing aids.

I have a fear of hurdles, but I'm slowly getting over it.

I'm planning a trip to the soft drink factory. I'm looking forward to soda pressing.

I used to be a baker, but I was too crumby at it.

I asked my cat how it lost its sunglasses; he said, 'I don't see the problem.'

Why did the math book look upset? It had a lot of problems to compute.

I'm friends with the sun; we shine together.

I asked my dog what's 2 minus 2; he replied, 'Zero patiences for math.'

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist again.