My girlfriend told me she wants a man who is funny, smart, and spontaneous. So I told her a joke about a random theorem. She's still not laughing.

I tried to impress my boyfriend by cooking him a fancy meal, but I ended up burning it. Now we're ordering takeout and pretending it's gourmet cuisine.

I asked my husband if he remembered our wedding anniversary. He said, 'Of course I do. It's the same day every year.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She took a selfie.

Why did the pillow file for divorce? It couldn't handle any more pillow talk.

I asked my wife if she wants to hear a joke about construction. She said yes, but I'm still building up to it.

I asked my spouse what they wanted for their birthday. They said 'nothing would make me happier'. So I got them a box of nothing. Now they're not happy.

Why did the boyfriend break up with the calendar? He couldn't handle all the dates.

My boyfriend said he wanted a relaxing weekend. So I took away his phone, laptop, and Wi-Fi. Now he keeps asking for the Wi-Fi password.

I told my wife I bought her a wooden leg for Christmas. She was not impressed. Especially when she found out I got the real gift - a Rolex.

Why did the smartphone break up with the internet? It found a better connection.

I asked my partner if they wanted to play hide and seek. I've been hiding for three days and they still haven't found me.

My girlfriend said she wanted a diamond ring for Valentine's Day. So I got her a deck of cards. Now she wants to play solitaire.

I'm convinced my wife is secretly a ghost. She disappears for hours and doesn't seem to realize she's haunting me.

I asked my girlfriend to make me a sandwich, and she said, 'Presto!' So I replied, 'Abra-kadabra! Where did you go?'

My husband thinks he's a flamingo. He just needs to get his head out of the sand.

I asked my boyfriend what's the difference between ignorance and apathy. He replied, 'I don’t know and I don’t care.'

My wife asked me to help her find the perfect eyebrow shape. I don't see the point.

I told my husband he should do lunges to stay in shape. He says that would be a big step forward.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too 'overprotective.' So I bought a helmet and elbow pads for our next date.

Why did the librarian break up with the baseball player? He kept striking out.