Why did the dentist break up with his hygienist girlfriend? She was flossing around too much.

I asked my wife if she wanted to visit the art museum. She said, 'I already have a masterpiece at home.'

Relationships are a lot like flowers. They require watering, attention, and sometimes a little pruning.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So I put her in a castle, ignored her for six months, and then had her killed by an angry mob.

I told my wife she should try some new positions in bed. She said, 'The heap on the floor isn't good enough?'

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and lemon-lime soda to it and now she's sangria than ever.

I took my wife out for a romantic dinner by candlelight. On the menu, it said 'lobster.' She looked at me and said, 'Great, I'll have the steak.'

Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted cold hard cash.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

I only have eyes for you- I have an irrational number of eyes and you take up a fraction of them.

Why did the man break up with his calendar? His days were numbered.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go on a date to the park and read a book. She said, 'I'm down for whatever.', so I put on my raincoat.

I'd call my relationship with procrastination an on-again, off-again thing, but we never really... oh, never mind.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornstalk? He said it was just a husk of a relationship.

I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was and she said, 'Every day I'm with you.' Smooth.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes - about me folding the laundry.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes - about me walking the dog.

Why did the zookeeper break up with the zoologist? They were fighting like cats and dogs.

Why did the actor break up with the actress? They couldn't find their center stage.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes - about me unclogging the drain.

Why did the gardener break up with the botanist? They couldn't grow together.