I used to date a baker, but I couldn't rise to the occasion.

Why did the crab never share his food? He was too shellfish.

I just found out my husband is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I told my wife she should write a book on her life. She said she doesn't have enough material - I said, 'What about the fictional version?'

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a superhero power, what would it be? I said, the ability to make all your relatives disappear.

I told my husband I was leaving him because he was always stealing my kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

My husband thinks I'm too nosy... at least that's what he wrote in his diary.

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she's in for a shock.

My wife and I went on a romantic picnic. I had to remind her not to feed the ducks too much bread; their cholesterol was sky-high.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she ever loved. She said, 'Yes, all the others were nines or tens.'

Why do scientists prefer to date other scientists? They have good chemistry.

Why did the grape file for divorce? It was tired of raisin hell.

Why did the math book break up with the history book? It just couldn't factor in the relationship.

My boyfriend told me he wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. So I bought him a hot sauce packet.

Why did the man bring a pencil to his date? He wanted to leave a lasting impression.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day. She said a romantic trip to Paris. So I got her a Paris-themed puzzle.

Why did the woman bring a compass to her date? She wanted to make sure their relationship was headed in the right direction.

My boyfriend said he wanted a sugar mama. So I signed him up for a baking class.

Why did the man break up with the tree? It was too shady for him.

I asked my wife if she wanted to go to couples therapy. She said no, she'd rather keep the group chat going with her friends.