Why did the woman bring a pencil to her date? She heard it was love at first write!

Did you hear about the bed that fell in love with the pillow? It was head over heels!

Why did the man sleep on the clock? He wanted to be on time in his dreams.

My girlfriend always gets mad at me for taking things too literally. So I told her, 'Don't worry, I'll start taking things sideways.'

My wife said she wants to go on a romantic trip. So I took her to the grocery store, because that's where we first 'meat'.

Why did the girl break up with the calendar? She felt like the relationship was going too fast.

My husband said I should do yoga to relieve stress. So I took up boxing instead. Now I can punch him and feel zen at the same time!

I asked my girlfriend how she’s doing after breaking up with her accountant boyfriend. She said she’s fine, but she’s struggling to account for her feelings.

Why did the cell phone break up with the Wi-Fi? It couldn’t handle the connection.

Did you hear about the vegetable who started dating a legume? It was a soy mate relationship.

They say love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

What do you call an engagement ring in a seafood restaurant? A prawnposal.

I saw a man with a broom marrying a woman with a mop. They had a clean sweep of the wedding.

My girlfriend tried to make me have a threesome. I said if I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d talk to my parents.

How do you know if someone is a good catch? When they’re hooked on you.

Relationships are a lot like birds. If you hold one too tightly, it will die. If you hold one too loosely, it will fly away.

Why did the basketball break up with the hoop? It couldn't handle all the shots.

Why did the coffee cup break up with the saucer? It wanted a mug shot.

Why did the banana break up with the orange? It was a-peel-ing to someone else.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornfield? It couldn't handle the stalk-er.

Why did the piano break up with the violin? They were always out of tune.