I used to think I was a good cook until I burned water. Yes, you read that right - burned water.

I'm not just a procrastinator, I'm an expert at it. I'll procrastinate on procrastinating.

I asked my mirror for fashion advice, it laughed at me.

I tried to make a Dad joke, but my kids said I'm not qualified.

I'm so bad at cooking, I burnt water once.

I went to a job interview and they asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I said, 'Don't worry, I'm always late.',

I tried to do a cartwheel and ended up doing a ground roll.

I'm like a human calendar – I always forget what day it is.

I'm so bad at cooking, that even the smoke detector cheers me on.

I asked the mirror who's the fairest of them all, and it replied 'Definitely not you.'

My plant said it needs more sunshine and water, I said 'You and me both.'

I tried to donate blood today, but even my veins said 'No thanks.'

I told myself to stop procrastinating, but I just haven't gotten around to it.

I tried to do a cartwheel, but ended up doing a 'floor flop.'

I took a selfie after working out, I now have a 'Before' and 'Way Before' picture.

I tried to make a joke about the gym, but it didn't work out.

I signed up for a marathon, but it turned out to be a TV marathon.

I tried to impress my crush with my cooking, they said they'd rather starve.

I finally found my lost socks, they were under my bed plotting their escape.

I changed my password to 'incorrect,' so now every time I forget it, the computer reminds me 'Your password is incorrect.'

I tried to join a support group for procrastinators, but they haven't set a start date yet.