I took a self-defense class, but my instructor said I'm a danger to myself.

I keep telling myself I'm going to start fresh tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

I bought a self-help book and the first page said 'Stop buying self-help books.' Well played, universe.

I'm so bad at parking, the parking lot attendants have a betting pool on how many attempts it will take me to park.

I tried to learn a new language but the only word I can remember is 'goodbye'...and I haven't even mastered the pronunciation.

I tried to be a vegetarian, but then bacon happened.

I once got lost in my own neighborhood and had to use Google Maps to find my way home. My neighbors still laugh about it.

I accidentally liked my own profile picture on Facebook. It's official, I'm my own biggest fan.

Lately, my idea of a balanced diet is holding a burger in each hand.

My dentist asked me if I floss regularly. I told him only when there's something stuck in my teeth that I can't get out with my tongue.

I can never remember where I parked my car. My friends have started a support group to help me find it.

I tried to join a gym, but the salesperson took one look at me and said, 'Are you lost?'

I tried to impress my date by cooking her dinner. Turns out, the smoke alarm was not a fan of my cooking skills.

I hate when people ask me to describe myself in three words. I can't even describe myself in a novel!

I decided to try online dating, but my profile picture got reported for being too scary.

My fitness goal is to be able to run for more than five minutes without feeling like I'm dying.

I'm so forgetful, I once forgot my coworker's name right after they told me.

I'm so bad at grooming, I once used a permanent marker instead of eyeliner.

I'm so bad at directions, I once followed a stranger thinking it was my friend.

I'm so clumsy, I once tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and sprained my ankle.

I'm so bad at singing, I once sang in the car and caused a traffic jam.