How does an astronaut fix a leak in the spaceship? With a universal wrench!

What did the gardener say to the lawnmower? You really cut me up!

Why did the chef bring a potato peeler to the comedy show? To peel away the layers of laughter!

How did the firefighter stay cool during a fire? He had a hose of humor!

What did the football player do when he fumbled the ball? He picked it up and ran in the wrong direction!

Why did the golfer bring a whistle to the course? In case he got a hole in one and needed a celebration whistle!

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the stage floor? It was a real show-stopper!

Why did the clown bring a ladder to the comedy club? He wanted to raise the roof!

What's a comedian's favorite type of music? Slapstick!

Why did the acrobat bring a parachute to the circus? Just in case he falls for the audience!

Why did the scarecrow go to school? Because he was outstanding in his field!

Why was the music teacher always sick? Because he had a bad note!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Din-din is on me tonight!

I walked into a bar and asked for a glass of H2O. The bartender gave me water, my assassination attempt failed.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but I realized it was a waist of time.

What did the tomato do when it got stepped on? It ketchup-ed to the situation!

I tried to practice updog with my pet, but it never worked. He never asked what's up!

What did the belt say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll just hold up this pair of pants!

Didn't they want to follow him to the club? He didn't dance enough to join the party!

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap!

What's a ninja's favorite drink? Fruit punch!