I asked my dad for his best dad joke, and he said, 'You.'

Why did the tomato refuse to run a race? It couldn't ketchup.

Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

What did one hat say to the other hat? Stay here, I'm going on ahead.

I saw a sign that said 'watch for children' and I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'

What's a vampire's favorite fruit? A necktarine.

Why did the bubble wrap skip the party? It wanted to pop in unannounced.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.

Why did the tree go to the bank? It needed a branch manager.

Why did the snowman call in sick? He had a bad case of frostbite.

Why was the scarecrow given an award? Because it was outstanding in its field.

What do you call a bear with no socks on? Barefoot.

Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

What did the big flower say to the little flower? 'Hey, bud!'

Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make liquid assets.

Why did the baby cookie cry? Because it’s mom left it in the dough-ba.

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why did the chicken sit on her eggs? Because she didn't have a chair.

I told my wife she should have faith in herself. She turned into a nun.