Why did the calendar get thrown in jail? It had too many dates.

Why did the lamp go out with the vacuum? It wanted to be sucked up.

Why did the man bring a baseball bat to the bakery? To hit a home run.

Why did the tomato turn into a convertible? It wanted to ketchup with all the other cars.

I used to play hide and seek with my dog, but he always found me.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on your doorstep? Matt.

Why was the coffee cold? Because it lost its mug.

Why did the raccoon bring a comb to the party? To have a great hair day.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful therapist? It was great at listening and giving advice.

What do you get when you mix a snowman and a shark? Frostbite.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out from behind the door? Surprise cleaning!

Why did the tomato turn green? It was still green and not yet ripe.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because it was made of excellent materials and had superb craftsmanship.

What did the judge say to the skunk in court? Odor in the courtroom!

Why was the math book feeling confident? Because it knew all the angles.

Do you know why the sky is blue? It's because of the way the Earth's atmosphere scatters sunlight.

Why did the chicken sit on the egg? To keep it warm and protect it until it hatches.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was left unattended and lost its balance.

How many ears does Spock have? Three - a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

I told my wife she should stop using her phone so much. She threw it at me.

I tried to write a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.