I asked the librarian if the book on anti-gravity was in. She said, 'It's on the top shelf.'

I tried to buy a coffin online, but the shipping costs were killing me.

I asked the barber if he could make me look like a million bucks. He gave me a funny look and handed me a mirror.

I used to believe in reincarnation, but that's in my past life now.

Why did the mathematician break up with his girlfriend? He found someone better.

I have a split personality. Luckily, one of them is nice.

I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid them.

I lost the power of speech when my phone battery died. I guess you could say I was speechless.

I asked the skeleton in my closet for fashion advice. He said, 'You need to bone up on your style.'

Why do ghosts make terrible liars? You can see right through them.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the heat. I had to get out of the kitchen.

Why do vampires avoid fruit? It's a grave mistake.

I told my therapist I was having issues with my imaginary friend. He suggested we talk about it, but then my friend got upset.

I asked the Grim Reaper for his autograph, but he said he was too busy to sign.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me due to my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

I told my wife she should relax and enjoy her day. She's been in a coma for eight years.

Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus, but also needed a software update.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear, who still has a sweet tooth.

What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment, because laughter is the best medicine.

Why was the cemetery so noisy? Because of all the coffin, and the underground party.

How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her, let her work it out.