I'm friends with a vegan who refuses to eat any animal products... but that's just him milking it.

The guy who invented the umbrella was going to name it the 'brella', but hesitated.

He didn't like my haircut, but it's growing on him.

Why did the rooster join a band? He had the drumsticks.

I'm friends with a baker, our friendship is well bread.

He couldn't figure out how to fix his brakes, so he put it in park.

I'm friends with a gardener, our friendship is always blooming.

I used to go fishing with Skrillex, but he kept dropping the bass.

I'm friends with a musician, he's always in-tune.

My cat was just sick, now she's purring like a kitten.

I used to play tennis, but my net worth wasn't high enough.

I'm friends with a baker, he's a great loaf off.

I hired a handyman to fix my roof, he nailed it.

I tried to take a selfie in the tub, but it was too draining.

I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but I couldn't whisk it.

I would tell you a joke about a vacuum, but it would suck.

I've never gone to a gun store before, but I figured a shot in the dark would do.

I'm currently dating a couple of rocks. Pretty solid relationships.

I was reading a book on helium. I just couldn't put it down.

I had a vision of a zombie apocalypse. Turns out, it was just another Monday.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of numbers? He has arithmophobia.