I'm friends with a calendar because our days are numbered.

I'm friends with a bicycle, two-tired of this.

I asked the gym instructor for help to do a split. He replied, 'How flexible are your finances?'

I told my computer I needed a break, so it sent me to an error page.

I'm friends with people who are vegan because they're non-judgmental.

I broke my finger at work, but on the other hand, everything is okay.

I opened a bakery, but I couldn't make enough dough.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I would tell you a joke about my shoe, but I think I'll save it for another heel.

I used to have a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.

I would tell you a joke about the city, but it's a little too urban.

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I don't find health-related puns amusing because they're just not funny anymore.

I would tell you a joke about physics, but it would be formulaic.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about the Earth's atmosphere. She said, 'Quite frankly, I don't care.'

I told my wife she should do high-intensity interval training. She replied, 'HIIT me up with something else.'

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about coffee. She said, 'Espresso yourself.'

Why did the mathematician refuse to go skydiving? He was afraid of all the fall-outs!

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about elevators. She said, 'Let's lift the spirits.'

I told my wife she should do planks. She said, 'I'm not that board.'

Why don't skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with!