I fear for the calendar - its days are numbered.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead, I took him to see a movie. He's a web designer.

I used to be a plumber, but I kept getting too flushed with success.

I'm writing a book on hurricanes and it will blow you away.

Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? It needed a little filling!

I'm reading a book on the history of the selfie - it's all me, me, me.

When do astronauts eat? At launch time!

I originally wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.

What do you call men who love math? Algebros.

I was at a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

I'm reading a book on the history of glue—it's really sticking with me.

I'm friends with a book, we're on the same page.

I'm friends with a tree, they're always rooting for me.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to loaf around.

I'm friends with a clock, always watching the seconds go by.

I'm friends with a window, it's a pane.

I'm friends with a chair, it has my back.

I'm currently boycotting sleep. It's like a daily subscription to a documentary I missed.

I used to be a baker, but too many people kneaded me.

I'm friends with a broken pencil because it has no point.