I used to be a coach, but I couldn't handle the pressure.

I tried to be a waiter, but I couldn't take orders.

I can't stand people who take drugs, like pharmacists.

I finally got rid of my microwave, now I'm feeling micro-waved.

I read a book on gravity, it was impossible to put down.

I used to be a gardener, but I couldn't put down roots in the job.

I used to be a tailor, but I couldn't make suits fit for kings.

I tried to take a selfie next to a lion, but it wouldn't cooperate, it had too much pride.

I'm friends with a musician who always brings his guitar to parties, he really knows how to chordially greet people.

I would tell you a joke about air conditioning, but it's not cool.

I told my computer about my problems, now it's my startup.

I'm friends with a watchmaker, he's always cautious with his time.

I asked my dad if he remembered his first steps, he said he couldn't stand to think about them.

I'm friends with a baker, he's always in good dough.

I told a chemistry joke, there was no reaction and then it exploded.

What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool? Show me your mussels.

I'm friends with a baker, he's a real knead-it-all.

I'll call you later - don't call me a potato.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on procrastination... she said, 'Maybe later.'

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I'm not into drama.

I'll never date a tennis player... love means nothing to them.