I told my computer to stop being cheesy, now it's acting all mousey.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't find my loaf.

I once told a gardening joke, but it didn't grow on anyone.

I once told a math joke, but it was too derivative.

I told my wife she should do yoga to stay in shape - that's a stretch.

I once told a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

I told my computer to stop beeping - now it's just sending Morse code.

I told my wife she should jog to stay in shape - that's a running joke.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I'm friends with all the birds in my garden, I'm a tweet heart.

I tried to take a selfie in the shower, but my phone kept getting wet.

I'm friends with a mushroom, he's a fungi to be around.

I used to play hide and seek with the planets, but then I realized they were all way too down to earth.

I tried to take up archery, but I didn't have the heart to bow down to the competition.

I found a rock that's 95% water - it was a little boulder.

Have you noticed that attorneys are always more serious than regular men? They're always more attentive to their legal ties.

Slept like a baby last night - woke up every two hours crying.

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand.

You're not completely useless, you can always be used as a bad example.

I'm making a clone of myself - I call it my 'mini-me.'

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?