I asked a musician if they could play a song on the piano. They said, 'Sure, key here.'

I tried to do stand-up comedy, but I always ended up sitting down.

Why couldn't the guitar play the blues? It had a broken string of emotions.

I told my wife she should start a paper company. That would be a sheet load of fun.

I used to be a baker, but I kneaded a break from all the dough.

I asked a baker if he could make me a loaf of bread shaped like a flower. He said, 'That's the yeast I can do.'

I told my wife she should start a weightlifting routine. That would lift her spirits.

I asked a baker if he knew how to make a cake shaped like a math book. He said, 'That's a piece of pi.'

I told my wife she should do ballet to stay in shape. That would be a graceful step forward.

I told my wife she should start a gardening business. That would plant the seed for success.

I used to be a coal miner, but I couldn't dig down to the root of the problem.

I bought a dictionary to improve my vocabulary, but I found the words difficult to put into sentences.

I told my wife she should do yoga to relax. That would be a flexible decision.

I'm starting a new business making land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof!

I used to play piano by ear, now I play guitar by nose.

I used to be a hair dryer salesman, but my career blew up in my face.

I'm reading a book on constipation. It's really hard to finish.

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology, but I doubt anyone will read it.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to stand my ground.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came out of the orange.

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology, but the readers are one step ahead.