The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that's Heinz sight.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. This one seems familiar!

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I'm no comedian, but I'm a jokester's apprentice.

I'm friends with a tree, we make great bark together.

I'm friends with a tree, we have great bark together.

Have you heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needs a little space.

The chiropractor told me I had a partial ribcage – I’m sure mine is fully intact.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she high-fived me instead.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she accepted them gracefully.

My wife told me to stop at nothing to achieve my dreams, so now I sleep all day.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she took a step back.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she laughed it off.

I would tell you a joke about chemistry, but I'm afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.

I gave all my dead batteries away, free of charge.

I used to be a baker, but my life was just half-baked.

I asked my gym instructor if he could help me with a pun about weights. He said, 'I'm flexible.'

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't rise to the occasion, so I was kneaded out.

I asked the mathematician why he was feeling negative. He said, 'I'm below zero.'

I told my wife she should plank to stay in shape. She told me to plank off.