I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hi-five.

This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally dropped my phone in a glass of water.

A cheese factory exploded in France. There was nothing left but de-brie.

A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.

I shouldn't have had the seafood, now I'm feeling a little eel.

Yes, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!

I'm reading a book on reverse psychology, you shouldn't get it.

Why was the football coach angry? Because he had too many false starts.

I tried to write a joke about unemployment, but none of them worked.

I asked my dog to play the piano, he played by ear.

I told a chemistry joke, but there was no reaction from the audience.

Why did the music teacher go to the doctor? To get a new scale.

I asked my dog for advice, he said, 'bark up the right tree.'

I tried to build a maze out of books, but I got lost in the plot.

I tried to be a baker, but I kneaded to improve my skills.

My friend thinks he is smart, but I disagree. We'll see who's right.

I would tell you a time-travel joke, but you didn't like it yet.

I'm friends with people who sell security alarms, we have a lot of common interests.

I am a huge fan of whiteboards, they're remarkable.

I asked the librarian if there were any books on paranoia. They're right behind you!

Why did the cashier become a teacher? They had too many checkouts.