I trained my dog to fetch the newspaper, but he's still stuck on Chapter 1.

I told my wife she should embrace her uncertainties, now she's hugging me with a 'maybe'.

I tried to start a band called '1023 Megabytes' but we couldn't get a gig.

I'm in a long-distance relationship with gravity, but it's starting to weigh me down.

I asked the gym if they had any dumbbells, but they said all their weights are intelligent.

I told my wife she should embrace her love for puns, now she's smitten.

I told my wife she should embrace her fears, so she started hugging spiders.

I told my wife she should do more cardio, so now she signs all her emails with 'Love, Running.'

I'm friends with a talking cow, it's my moooost reliable friend.

I introduced my girlfriend to my pet rock, now they take each other for granite.

I'm friends with a vampire who's very positive, he always looks on the bright side of necks.

I'm writing a book on ghosts... It's gonna be so scary, I won't be able to put it down!

I accidentally drank food coloring. I'm dying inside.

My wife tells me I'm a skeptic. I don't believe her.

I told my wife she shouldn't worry too much about her bad memory. She told me not to be so condescending - that's not even a big word!

Why didn't the math book look well? It was full of problems.

Why don't mathematicians argue? They use too many parameters.

Do you need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

What's a dentist's office's favorite musical instrument? A tuba toothpaste.

What do you call a pile of cats? A purr-amid.

Jokes about airplanes always seem to take off.