I'm friends with a baker. Our friendship is crumby.

I told a good construction joke but I'm still working on it.

I used to know a lot of jokes about unemployment. But none of them work.

The best time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.

I asked the gym instructor if he got a new whistle, but he said it's just me making that noise.

I asked my boss if I could come in a little late. He said, 'Dream on.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she high-fived me back.

I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

Want to hear a word I just made up? PLAGIARISM!

Why did the bike fall over? It was two-tired and needed a break.

I wanted to be a baker, but then I couldn't make enough bread to earn a crust.

Why did the librarian get kicked out of the book club? She kept whispering spoilers.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest, along with my savings.

I wanted to be a comedian, but I couldn't handle the pressure, the timing, or the audience.

Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants, probably in self-defense.

I used to be a tailor, but I lost my thread, momentum, and will to sew.

I told a chemistry joke, but there was no reaction, surprise, laughter, or applause.

Why did I get a brain transplant? Because I lost my mind and needed a new one.

Why did the bicycle never graduate? It was two-tired of school.

I used to be a baker, but then I lost my loaf on a gamble.

I'm trying to organize a fashion show for elevators, but it has its ups and downs.