I scare my plants to keep them in line - they're all rooted in fear.

I asked my dog why he keeps digging holes, he said he's just a little bored.

I ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet... I'll keep you posted on which came first.

I took a day off from the gym today, just so they could miss me for a change.

I used to be a fisherman, but I didn’t catch anything - I wasn’t reel-y into it.

I told my computer I needed a break – it gave me the space bar.

I’m starting a new business making holy water. The profits will be through the roof.

I’m friends with a baker, he makes doughnuts – I don’t know what to make of it.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hair out.

I called my doctor for a joke, she said laughter is the best medicine.

I'm friends with a sofa, we have a lot of cushion for the pushing.

I told my phone a pun, but it was too corny.

I'm friends with a lamp, we really light up the room.

I called the bakery for a joke, but they said they were too crumby.

I called up my home phone just to hear my ringtone.

I'm friends with a plant, we really grow on each other.

I told my phone a joke, but it just went into airplane mode.

I used to be a comedian, but I kept cracking up.

I'm friends with a map - we really get around.

I called my gym for a joke, they said it was too intense.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornfield? He was tired of being stalked.