I told my computer I needed a backup. Now it has a nervous twitch.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the shower.

I'm friends with all the planets, but I'm really close to Uranus.

My wife accused me of being immature. Guess who's not allowed in my treehouse anymore?

Be nice to your dentist. They have fillings too.

I used to be a baker, but now I just loaf around.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone? He couldn't find the Droids he was looking for.

I'm friends with a tree because it's a great pal-m.

I'm friends with an alarm clock because it always wakes me up.

I'm friends with a broom because we always sweep together.

I used to be a baker, but I wasn't kneaded.

I'm friends with a deck of cards because we always shuffle together.

I used to be a photographer, but I wasn't focused.

I'm friends with a light bulb because we have bright ideas.

I used to be a comedian, but I always got booed off stage.

I'm friends with a calendar because we have dates together.

I used to be a baseball player, but I struck out.

I'm friends with a chair because we always support each other.

I'm friends with a pen because we always draw together.

I'm friends with a calculator because we add up together.