I hate insects puns. They bug me.

I'm friends with a shovel because we really dig each other.

I'm friends with a door because I always open up to it.

I used to be a gardener, but I was too seedy.

I used to be a shoe repairman, but I lost my sole.

I used to be a train driver, but I had nowhere to go.

I'm friends with a calculator because it's always right.

I'm friends with a painter because he always brushes me off.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I already lost two days.

My new job at the bakery includes a lot of dough.

My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.

I would tell you a joke about NASA, but it's out of this world.

I'm reading a book on the history of teleportation. I just can't seem to put it down.

My landlord wants to increase the rent, but I told him it's a flat no.

I told my wife she should do more cardio. She said, 'I'll take it to heart.'

I asked the gym trainer for advice on dating. He told me to try lifting weights, they can't say no.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups for a better core. She laughed and said, 'I'll stick to the potato chips.'

I told my wife she should do squats for a better booty. She said, 'I already have a lot on my plate.'

You can't run from your problems unless they're on a treadmill.

I entered a pun contest once, but it was a play on words.

I'm a nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, I'm perfect.