I'm friends with a calendar, it always has plans.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust anyway.

I'm friends with a vegetable; it never lets me down.

I told my wife she should eat pasta to stay in shape. She said I'm putting words in her mouth.

I'm friends with a baker. We have a lot of loaf in common.

I'm the worst game of hide and seek. Even when I'm hiding, I can't be found.

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn really is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

I asked my French teacher if she could make a more complex sentence, and she said, 'Oui.'

I asked the gym trainer if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, 'How flexible are your finances?'

I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'; now my computer reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect'.

I tried to come up with a belt made out of watches, but it was just a waist of time.

My friend kept telling me I should be more secure; now I have four '8's in my password.

I'm thinking of taking a vacation on an island made entirely of guacamole; it's just a dream though, a very avo-cation.

I told my wife she should try some U2, she said 'I haven't even tried U1 yet.'

I got hit in the head with a can of soda today. Don't worry, it was a soft drink.

I'm reading a book on how to make the perfect ice cube. I'm really cool about it.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.

A man told me his wife is on a tropical diet. She sees food and eats it.

My friend says I'm incapable of talking about faith in a single sentence. That's not true.

I asked my dog to make a joke – he said it was a ruff draft.

I'm trying to organize a gardening competition, but I'm rooted in my decision.