I once knew a baker who got burnt out - he just couldn't rise to the occasion.

I'm friends with sandwiches, they always have my back.

I told my friend she's a great comedian, she laughed herself to tears.

I told my friend to stop impersonating a flamingo, he stuck his neck out too far.

I'm friends with electricity, it's always sparking joy.

I told my computer to stop singing, but it just won't Ctrl.

I'm friends with plants, they're very down-to-earth.

I told the chef I didn't like seafood, he said I'm being shellfish.

I'm friends with math, it's always there when you need it.

I asked the gym if they had a machine that made me taller, they said the scale.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape - she won't talk to me now.

I told my wife she should try invisible ink - she couldn't see the point.

I'm friends with a lot of pyromaniacs - we just click.

I've started investing in stocks: soup, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I want to make a joke about sodium, but Na.

I know all the best chicken puns, they're just fowl.

I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I'm hilarious.

I tried to start a bakery, but I couldn't raise enough dough.

I told my wife that she benefits from being married to me. She agreed, saying I'm a tax deduction.

I told my wife she should do toe-touches to stay in shape. That's a big feet.

I told my wife she should do squats to stay in shape. That sounds like a stretch.