I told my wife she should do a little dance to spice things up. Now she's cha-cha-changing the locks!

I met a French guy who's allergic to onions. I guess he can't be Jean-Luc Picard.

I hate those new segway scooters, they really drive me up the wall.

Parallel lines have too much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet.

I'm friends with mushrooms, because they're a fungi.

I used to play piano by teeth, but that was just never going to work.

I tried to hang my new calendar, but I just didn't have time.

Did you know the first french fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

Plagiarism is like bad breath - it's a problem when someone else has it.

Legalizing marijuana would make everyone's mood a bit higher.

I told my friend she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hug-tackled me.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything - including lies!

I hope when I inevitably choke to death people will just say I was 'killed by a sandwich'.

If you say 'gullible' slowly, it sounds like 'oranges'.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.

I used to be a math teacher, but I lost my patience.

I tried to organize a hide and seek championship but good players are hard to find.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

I'm starting a new herb garden, it's a plant's dream come true.

I saw an ad for a job in the paper that said 'Must be able to type without looking.' I applied and now I am receiving hate mail.