I'm friends with a calendar, we have lots of dates.

I'm friends with a pair of gloves, we're always in touch.

I'm reading a book on the history of pencils, it's quite sharp.

I'm friends with a sandwich, but best friends with a burrito.

I'm friends with an avocado because it's all about that guac life.

I'm friends with a tree. It's a great listener.

I broke my arm in two places. You should stop going to those places.

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek competition, but good players are really hard to find.

I'm friends with a refrigerator because it's cool.

I told my wife she should start boxing. She's been hitting bags ever since.

Watermelon is just crunchy flavored water.

I just got fired from my job at the orange juice factory. I couldn't concentrate.

I would make a pun about gardening, but it's too corny.

I'm friends with a mathematician. He's always trying to divide us.

I used to be a marathon runner, but now I run about 26 miles a day.

I'm friends with a graveyard keeper. He's always digging up dirt.

My friend says he feels invisible. I said I can't see him either.

I used to build lego houses, but it’s a blocky neighborhood.

Do you know why ancient Egyptians loved math? Because they were in denial.

I told my wife she should do lunges every day. Now she's just a big-stepper.

I used to be a baker, but my plans to rise to the occasion crumbled.