I'm a huge fan of whiteboards - they're really re-markable.

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday, I thought it was cool, but she wasn't impressed.

I used to sell security alarms, but the market was too noisy.

I asked the shopkeeper if he had any rocks for sale, but he said they were too hard to keep in stock.

I asked my computer to paint me a picture, but all it did was draw a blank.

My friend asked me to round up 10 cows, but I said, 'That's udderly impossible.'

I told my friend she should embrace her mistakes – she gave me a bear hug.

I told my moisturizer that I'm breaking up with it. Now it won't stop making dry jokes.

I'm reading a book on how to secure my internet. Now even my browser has become a Firefox.

I just found out I'm color blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I'm friends with all my plants. I’m a firm believer in photosynthesis.

I never make mistakes in communication. I just have a different perspective.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

I'm currently working on a performance about puns, it's a play on words.

I told my cat to stop playing with my computer, but she keeps hitting the mouse.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day to relax, she gave me a blank stare.

I invited my friends for a shrimp dinner, but they all flaked out.

I joined a basketball team for seniors, our motto is 'Just dunk it'.

I asked the barber if he could cut my hair in a way that distracts from my big nose, he took off my glasses.

I'm reading a book about gravity, it's a real page-turner.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistake - she gave me a hug.