I'm reading a book on the history of water - it's become a hard read.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she hugged them tight.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on laziness. She said they were too lazy to have a section for that.

I would tell a joke about hair, but it always seems to get tangled up.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on time travel. She said, 'Not yet.'

I asked the gym trainer how often I should exercise. He said 'Don't worry, I never see anyone here more than once.'

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? They're fungi.

I wanted to be a comedian, but I couldn't stand the heckling.

I'm reading a book on the history of the calendar. I'm trying to get my days in order.

The rope wanted to go skydiving, but it was too knotty.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I'm really good at math, until someone asks me to divide by 0.

I'm currently studying for a memory loss test.

I asked the librarian for a book on self-control, but I couldn't resist interrupting her.

I tried to be a vegetarian, but I just couldn't meat the expectations.

I put all my spare change into an origami piggy bank, now it's making cents.

I asked the gym if they had any equipment for people with pet allergies, they said no, it's all taken.

I'm friends with all the planets, except for Mercury - it's too hot to handle.

I took up jogging for health reasons - but so far, all I've done is catch a cold.

I used to play guitar by ear, but now I use my hands.