I used to be a train driver, but I got derailed.

I started a new job as a scarecrow, but I couldn't stand the hours.

I'm currently taking a break from performing, I need to rest my voice.

I asked my dog what's at the end of the rainbow. He said, 'ruff luck.'

I tried to get into astronomy, but it just didn't planet.

I wanted to learn sign language, but I couldn't hear myself think.

I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance. He pushed me.

I told my cat a joke about fish, but he didn't find it finny.

Last night I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. It was just a Fanta sea.

I'm friends with snakes. They’re great at hiss-terical jokes.

I’m really good at finding needles in haystacks. It’s a talent you could say is needle-ss.

I finally got around to reading a book on anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down!

I used to be a baker, now I make ends meet.

Why is the ocean always blue? Because the land never waves back.

Why did the skeleton stay home alone? He had no body to go with him.

Why did the frog park illegally? Toad away.

The first time I got a universal remote, I thought, 'This changes everything.'

I'm reading a book on the psychology of arguing, but I don't think you'll understand.

My new diet consists of airplane food. I've lost a lot of weight... in plane sight.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes; she gave me her credit card.

I'm reading a book on the history of mazes, it's full of twists and turns.