I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely included in things either.

I would make a joke about pressure, but I don't want to force it.

I'm friends with a fly, we hang out on the wall.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she gave me a really tight hug.

I want to start a band called Moderation. We refuse to play any gigs.

I've fallen in love with a pencil. It has the write stuff.

I was going to tell a sodium joke, but Na.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged the wrong person.

I tried to shoot myself with a starting gun. It went off prematurely.

I told a joke to a kleptomaniac, but it stole the punchline.

I'm trying to write a book about clocks, but I'm running out of time.

I can't stand people who take drugs. Customs officers mostly.

I'm writing a book on silencing voicemails. I'll let you know when I finish it.

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's all right now.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't keep my business afloat.

I told my chemistry teacher a joke about sodium, but he was like NA.

My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. He kept telling us to 'be positive.'

I told my wife she should embrace her age. She gave me a wrinkle.

I told my computer to stop singing but it kept downloading tracks.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she thought it was a tight squeeze.