I'm friends with all the planets, except for Saturn - it's a bit of a gas giant.

I nicknamed my orthopedic shoes 'SOLEmates.'

I asked the library if they had any books on paranoia, they whispered, 'They're right behind you.'

My friend asked me to round up his 37 sheep. I said 40.

I asked the librarian if they had a book on Stevie Wonder. She said it's as good as new.

What does a house wear? A dress.

My friend keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.

My new cheap thesaurus is terrible. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I've spent the past four years looking for my missing socks. They vanished without a trace.

I tried to organize a hide and seek tournament, but it was a total disaster.

I used to think I was a baker's dozen, but it turns out I'm just a regular twelve.

I'm reading a book on famous female scientists, it's Marie Curie-ous.

I used to be a baker, but my business went knead-less.

I told my wife she should embrace her uncertainty. She gave me a shrug.

I asked the gym if they had any dumbbells for sale. They told me they only sell intelligent ones.

My computer's keyboard is always tired, it's been working in shifts.

I never make mistakes in spelling, just character building opportunities.

I tried to build a staircase out of spaghetti, but it was too pasta-trophic.

I called a psychic to help me find my missing socks. She said they're in a better place now.

I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.

I used to work for a soft drink can crusher. It was soda pressing.