I told my wife she should try skydiving - she won't come down.

I told my wife she should workout - she replied 'I did, that's why I'm single.'

Why don't sharks eat clowns? They taste funny.

I have a furniture addiction, but I can't seem to table it.

I’m writing a book on how to help insomnia – it’s a real page-turner.

One day I’ll start a support group for compulsive talkers – On and On Anon.

I'm writing a book on kleptomania, but someone keeps stealing my ideas.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups to stay in shape, but she refused - now things are on the decline.

I'm reading a book on laziness, but I just can't seem to finish it.

I'm writing a book on carpentry, but it's not as riveting as I hoped.

I used to play piano by ear, but then my head started hurting.

I asked the gym if they had a water fountain, they said, 'No, you have to bring your own water.'

They say laughter is the best medicine, so I overdosed on jokes.

I tried to write a comedy sketch about time travel, but it turned out to be too ahead of its time.

I used to be a professional fisherman, but I couldn't live on my net income.

I asked my wife to let me know when she's finished getting ready - she said she can't predict the future.

I told my computer to stop, but it's CTRLing me anyway.

I used to play piano by ear, but I couldn't make enough dough.

My wife told me I should get off Twitter. I almost fell off my chair laughing.

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.

I told my wife she should cook with wine. She said, 'I'm trying to cook, not set the kitchen on fire.'