I'm not saying my wife is lazy, but she married me.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat and the stroller in the taxi, yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

When I proposed to my girlfriend, I got down on one knee. She accepted and now she's down on me for every little thing.

I told my wife she should do more puzzles. That way, she can piece things together.

Why did the math book break up with the history book? They couldn't find a common denominator.

I asked my husband if he wanted to hear a joke about gardening. He said he was rooting for it.

Why did the baseball player break up with the softball player? They kept striking out in their relationship.

My boyfriend said he wanted to spice things up. So I put paprika in his toothpaste.

Why did the elevator break up with the stairs? It found a lift that took it to new heights.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about the ceiling. She said it was over her head.

Why did the cell phone break up with the TV? It couldn't handle the streaming issues.

I told my husband he should do more cardio. So he started carrying the groceries in two trips.

My girlfriend told me I should do more housework. So now I do the laundry every time she gives me the cold shoulder.

Why did the tree go on a date? It was looking for some root-ance.

Why did the bicycle fall over in love? It was two-tired.

My boyfriend said he needed space. So I deleted all the pictures of us together.

Why did the chef break up with the baker? They couldn't agree on the knead for space.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go on a romantic vacation. She said she needed time to pack her emotional baggage.

Why did the pencil break up with the eraser? It rubbed the wrong way.

Why did the pillow break up with the blanket? It felt smothered.

I asked my husband if he wanted to hear a joke about paper. He said it was tearable.