I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, 'You, wrapped in a bow.' I said, 'Well, I'm not Batman.'

Why did the calendar break up with the clock? They just didn't have enough time together.

Why did the tree break up with the sun? Their relationship was shady.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

Why did the math book and the history book break up? They just couldn't come to terms with their past.

Why did the chef break up with the baker? They just couldn't agree on the right recipe for love.

Why did the scientist break up with his girlfriend? He thought their chemistry was off.

Why did the smartphone break up with the calculator? It just couldn't handle its numbers.

Why did the man propose to the mattress? He wanted a pillow to support him for life.

Why did the couple go to therapy? They couldn't see eye to eye on anything.

I asked my wife how many cookies she wanted. She said, 'One.' So I took the rest.

Why did the man give his wife a pencil for their anniversary? He heard it was #2 on her wish list.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend on the moon? He needed space.

Why did the math book look forward to dating the history book? They heard they had great chemistry!

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornstalk? He was too stalky.

My girlfriend said she wants to be treated like a princess. So I made her marry a guy she's never met in order to secure an alliance with a neighboring kingdom.

My boyfriend asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' by Oasis. I said maybe.

My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because I'm too obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, 'This isn't working.' I'm not sure what she's talking about, but I'm too scared to open the fridge now.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines or tens.

My girlfriend said she needs space. So I locked her outside.