I asked my husband if he ever fantasizes about other women. He said, 'No, only you. The rest are all tangible.'

What do you call a bear without a girlfriend? Un-bear-able.

Why did the artist break up with his model? He found someone more sketchy.

Why did the candle break up with the match? It felt like it was always being used.

What do you call a man who opens the car door for his wife? A chauffeur.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to watch a movie tonight. She said, 'I already watched you play video games all day.'

Why did the chef break up with his girlfriend? She couldn't handle his cooking.

I asked my boyfriend if he ever thinks about getting married. He said, 'Only when the food is really good.'

Why did the man bring a map to his first date? He wanted to show he had direction in life.

Why did the boss break up with his secretary? He found out she was his 'right-hand woman'.

Why did the strawberry propose to the other berry? He couldn't resist her charm.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go on a romantic walk. She said, 'I can't. My GPS only shows the way to the fridge.'

Why did the avocado go to couples therapy? It had commitment issues.

Why did the man break up with his vacuum? It sucked the life out of him.

What do you call a man who buys his wife a watch for her birthday? Overtime.

I asked my wife if she wanted to have a picnic in the park. She said, 'I'd rather have a picnic on the couch.'

Why did the clock break up with the calendar? They just didn't have the time for each other.

What do you call two birds in love who are always having a good time? Tweet-hearts who chirp together.

I told my husband he should do yoga to relax. Now he's the most flexible accountant in town.

Why did the sweater break up with the pants? They were always getting too close for comfort.

Why did the man bring a camera to his first date? He wanted to capture the moment.