I asked my friend if he wanted to see a movie about chairs. He said 'Seats me.'

I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about fertilizer. He said 'I don't think it will grow on me.'

Why did the broccoli break up with the cauliflower? Because it was such a stalk block.

I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about paper. He said 'Let's hear it, but paper joke.'

I tried to take a selfie with my printer, but it didn't like the exposure.

I asked my oven if it was okay to go out tonight. It said 'Sorry, I'm pre-heating.'

My dog used to chase people on a bike, but he became tired and now just watches.

I asked the gym if they could teach me to do the splits. They said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner. She said, 'Somewhere I don't have to cook.' So, I took her to the kitchen.

I have a fear of elevators, but I'm taking steps to avoid it.

I told my computer I needed a break. It replied, 'What, like a KitKat or a vacation?'

I heard a joke about chemistry, but it got no reaction.

I have a joke about fishing, but it's a real catch.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful entrepreneur? Because he knew how to grow his business.

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

Why did the ocean break up with the shore? It couldn't handle the tide downs.

What did the zero say to the eight? Hey, nice belt!

Why are spiders bad at web design? They only know how to make bug sites.

Why did the strawberry file a police report? It got jammed.

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit? It was cultured.

What surrounds the area of a circle? Pi.