Husband: I can't carry you like I used to when we were dating. Wife: That's okay, I'm working on losing weight. Husband: No, the weight limit on the elevator has changed.

My girlfriend told me she wanted a diamond necklace for her birthday. So I took her to a baseball game to see the diamonds on the field!

Why did the teacher break up with the janitor? They couldn't clean up the mess in their relationship!

Why did the boxer break up with the wrestler? They couldn't handle the competition in the relationship!

Why did the salsa break up with the guacamole? It couldn't handle the extra spice in the relationship!

What do you call it when two vegetarians are in a relationship? A plant-based romance!

I used to date a baker, but I couldn't handle the emotional rollercoaster. It was too much dough to handle!

Why did the pillow break up with the blanket? It was tired of getting smothered in the relationship!

My girlfriend said I need to be more spontaneous. So I bought her a surprise vacuum cleaner!

Why did the math teacher break up with the historian? They couldn't agree on their future timeline!

My wife told me she wanted a romantic evening by candlelight. So I took her to a séance!

What do you call a group of musical exes? A chord of broken hearts!

My wife told me she wanted a date night. So I changed the calendar to 'September 25th'!

Why did the photographer break up with the model? They couldn't find their focus in the relationship!

My girlfriend said she wanted a ring for our anniversary. So I threw her a Saturn party!

Why did the scientist break up with the biologist? They couldn't find the chemistry in their relationship!

My girlfriend told me she needed more space. So I bought her a telescope!

Why did the musician break up with the chef? They couldn't find the right recipe for love!

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about boats. She said, 'Sure, buoy is it hard to sail!'

Why did the dentist break up with the manicurist? They couldn't handle the teeth and nail relationship!

My girlfriend asked me to tell her a joke about paper. I said, 'Nevermind, it's tearable!'