My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that.

Why did the couple bring a map on their date? In case they got lost in each other's eyes.

My boyfriend asked me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Why did the avocado break up with the guacamole? It was too much mushy emotion.

My girlfriend said she wants a romantic getaway. So I took her to the gas station during a power outage.

Why did the clock break up with the calendar? It couldn't find the time to commit.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess. So I took away her WiFi and made her clean the castle.

Why did the couple go to the paint store on their date? They heard it was a colorful experience.

My girlfriend said she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. So I bought her a pepper spray.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups to stay in shape. That's when I saw her roll her eyes.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like a superhero. So I took off my glasses and said, 'Is that better?'

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear a construction joke. She said, 'Sure, I'm all ears.'

I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornstalk? It wasn't his type.

Why did the snowman call off his wedding? He got cold feet.

My girlfriend tried to make me have more empathy. I said, 'I don't understand.'

I used to date a baker. She was a real knead-y girl.

I told my husband I wanted a baby. His response? 'Pick one, we can't afford both.'

Relationships are like fine wine. They take time to mature and sometimes give you a headache.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Why did the crab never share his food? Because he was shellfish.