Wife: 'How do I look?' Husband: 'With your eyes.'

Relationships are a lot like flowers. If you don't water them, they wilt.

Boyfriend: 'Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine and written all over you.'

Marriage is like a tightrope walk. Sometimes you need to balance, sometimes you need a safety net.

Why did the math teacher break up with the calculator? They just didn't add up.

My girlfriend told me I should stop playing chess with her. I asked why and she said 'Because you always make the wrong moves.'

Why did the lamp break up with the light bulb? They just couldn't see eye to eye.

I like dating musicians because they always know the right note to end on.

Why did the archaeologist break up with the paleontologist? They had too many old bones to pick with each other.

I told my wife she should try cooking more exotic dishes. She said 'Why, do you want to travel the world through takeout?'

Why did the comedian break up with the ventriloquist? They just couldn't find their voice in the relationship.

My girlfriend said she wanted a fancy, romantic date. So I took her to the dollar store at sunset.

Why did the scissors break up with the glue? They just couldn't stick together.

Why did the grape stop dating? Because it was tired of being in a vine relationship.

My husband doesn't believe in Valentine's Day. He thinks every day should be 'treat your partner with love and respect' day.

I told my wife she should do more yoga. She said 'Namaste right here on the couch.'

Why did the calendar break up with the clock? It felt like time was running out in their relationship.

I asked my partner what their favorite type of exercise is. They said 'running away from commitment.'

Why did the banker break up with the actress? He couldn't handle all the drama.

Did you hear about the mathematician who is in love with shapes? He's quite the square root.

I used to date a baker, but we broke up. She couldn't handle the loaf commitment.